The "Pan-doff"

So, most of you are probably wondering what a pan-doff is.  Well, it's the standoff that occurs when there is a dirty pan sitting in the sink and no one is willing to wash it.  I am sure that anyone that has lived with a roommate (ahem, husband/boyfriend/partner) has been in a pan-doff.  I, personally, get really frustrated that a dirty pan can sit in my sink for days without Steve even noticing.  Probably a lot more frustrated than is warranted given it is only a dirty pan.  But, the truth is, it's not just a pan.  It is a representation of the division of responsibility (or the lack thereof) in my house.  It's about who does and doesn't do the household chores, who takes care of the kids, and who has to take on all of the un-fun responsibilities.  I feel really strongly that, since both Steve and I work full-time, the chores and other household responsibilities should be divided evenly between the two of us.  So, when Steve recently left a pan in the sink I decided to make a point by not washing it. This was my (extremely passive-aggressive) way of making this grand point that I was not going to do more than him.  Unfortunately, my plan backfired since all he did for SEVEN DAYS was move it out of the way when he needed to get to the kitchen sink.  Oh how I wish I were a guy sometimes...

To give you some insight in to how I let this go on for so long, here is a day-by-day recap of a pan-doff in my house:

Day 1: Steve (who does the majority of cooking in the house, to be fair) made dinner.  I usually wash all of the dishes, but I did not eat this dinner as I was plagued with the stomach bug.  He used one of our frying pans and left the pan in the sink.  I was sick, so I didn’t clean it the following morning as I normally would. 

Days 2-5: As I got better, I noticed that the pan remained in the sink and I got really annoyed.  And, of course, I was convinced that Steve was doing this intentionally.  It was Steve's way of telling me it was my job to clean the pan and it didn’t matter that I wasn’t feeling good.  And he was making a point that ultimately domestic things, like cleaning a pan, were my responsibility.  He was just trying to show me who was boss.  (Please, keep in mind that Steve did not and has never said any of these things.) 

Ummmmm, what?  I don’t think so.   So, I decided around Day 3 that I would NOT be cleaning that pan.  If he was going to play that game, I was going to play it better.  So, I didn’t clean the pan.  I cleaned any and every dish that was dirtied during the week BUT the pan.  It sat in the sink and waited for someone (ANYONE) to clean it. But, sadly, no one did. 

Day 6:  I (finally) mentioned to Steve that we were in a “pan-doff”.  I told him that I had left a pan in the sink for 6 days and that I was getting really disgusted that it was still there.  I asked him how he felt about this.  I was expecting him to say something sassy (yes, guys can be sassy)…he thought that it was my responsibility to clean dishes…he didn’t think he should have to clean the dishes since he made the meal...I should be lucky that he would even cook.  But, do you want to know what he actually said?  “What pan?”   WHAT PAN????  What did he mean, what pan?  I explained I was referring to the pan that was in the sink ALL WEEK.  His response?  “I thought that pan was clean.”

Day 7:  Steve cleaned the pan, but only after a lot of teasing me about how ridiculous it was that I let this go on for a whole week without saying a word to him.  In one sense, I felt very victorious (I mean, he did clean the pan).  But I also felt like in some way, I lost.  

The reason that I am sharing this experience with you is to show you how big things can become when they are trapped in our heads.  If I had only asked Steve to clean that pan days earlier, he would have.  But I wanted to make a point and hold my ground.  The only points that I made were that a pan can sit in a sink for 7 days without growing mold and that Steve is oblivious to a dirty pan (or just isn't really bothered).  So, the lesson learned here was really two-fold.  First, I shouldn't assume that I know what someone else is thinking.  No two people think alike and what I may think is a passive-aggressive attempt to tell me something might just be…a dirty pan.  And, second, I need to loosen up.  A dirty pan is just that, a dirty pan.   There are far worse things in this world.  Like dirty toilet seats…

Until next time…