Mom-E-O

It has been way too long since my last blog!  I have been out of commission recently, so had to take a little hiatus.  But I really wanted to write about a topic that I have been thinking about for a while now…the Mom-E-O.

I recently read an awesome blog/article about how, as women and moms, we take on so much mental baggage.  Without any intention, we take on all the things.  Birthday party planning, family Christmas, or whatever, gifts, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, vacation packing, after school playdates, running to TJ Maxx before work to buy the stupid white shirts that they need for tie-dye day at camp (sigh…that one is all too fresh).  You get my drift.  Over time we somehow become the task master and gate keeper for everyone in our family, even our pets.  And IT. IS. MENTALLY. EXHAUSTING.  Instead of just worrying about the million and one things you need to think about for yourself, you are now worrying about that times the number of family members.  I’m not really sure how, why, or when this happens.  No one ever asks us to become this person and none of us set out with the intention of taking on all of this extra stress.  Even my husband doesn’t realize that it’s happening or what’s on my plate most days. Either that or he realizes how good he has it and doesn’t want to rock the boat.  Hard to tell, really, but for my sanity we will go with the former.

You would think that, with all we have going on at home, we would use work as a reprieve.  Work is the place where we do NOT have to do all of the things because…as my good friend Allison always says “you have people for that.”  As we climb the ranks and have people to delegate work and tasks to, work becomes the place that we could actually free ourselves from some of that mental stress.  But is that what happens ladies?  NO!  Of course not.  Once that wife and mother instinct kicks in, it seems to seep in to all areas of your life, work included.  Instead of being the boss-CEO we were made to be, we somehow become what I like to call the MOM-E-O.  Let me explain what that means…

A MOM-E-O is any woman who brings her wife or mom instincts in to the workplace.  This means that, similar to home life, she takes on all of the things:

No one is project managing that project…I should do it.

Nancy’s out for surgery…I should organize a flower arrangement to be delivered to her.

Ben is out sick with the flu…I should check in on him to make sure he’s feeling better…I should also take the project off his plate, because it’s probably too overwhelming for him. (Poor kid!)

I should schedule a meeting with the team to discuss the 2020 budget, even though that’s not my job.  Everyone else is so busy.

I’ve noticed that Jessica is struggling to keep up…I bet I can review that document that has been on her plate for weeks now. (She did just break up with boyfriend!)

It’s been a while since the team has been rewarded…I should schedule a luncheon so morale doesn’t get too low.

Do any of these things sound familiar to you (even if you don’t do them consciously)??  Don’t get me wrong, all of these are very kind things to do.  But are they reasonable?  Especially when you add them on top of the mental stress that is already there?  Now, instead of managing just your husband and kids, you are managing a whole office worth of people.  Your staff become like your pseudo-kids, you bosses like your pseudo-husbands.  WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES??  This we can’t even blame on our husbands and partners.  This one is all on us.

As women we feel this need to fix things.  To fill the gaps where we see them.  Even they aren’t our problems to fix or our gaps to fill.  I don’t know if it’s science or our culture that embeds this in us, but it’s in there.  And it’s not a bad thing as long as it doesn’t start to take a toll on us.  So how do we fix this going forward?  I don’t have an easy answer, but I am working to create better boundaries for myself.  And you should too.  So next time “Ben” has the flu, shoot him a get well soon email and call it a day.  Next time you realize no one is managing a project, tell someone to manage the project.  Start small.  Set some boundaries.  Be a little selfish.  Like Tay says…

Girl, there ain't no I in team, but you know there is a ME!

Until next time…

Mom Guilt - It's an epidemic

It’s 8 am on a Wednesday morning and I am writing this on a plane to Dallas.  This trip marks my sixth (seventh?) in three months.  Luckily, JetBlue has internet access because as I was taking off I was furiously texting Steve instructions for the day (this one needs to go to the walker line – make sure to write a note, this one has a doctor appointment, no walking Wednesday, blah blah blah).  I was also talking to the woman next to me (CFO for Dunkin Donuts, so basically my hero) about some struggles our 9 and 10 year old daughters are having and how hard it is to leave them behind knowing this.  All around I am feeling pretty awful about leaving again.  You see, I have this condition that causes me to always feel like I am never doing enough for my children and too much for myself.  Some of you might have it too…the medical term for it is “mom guilt”.  Sadly there is no cure for it as this time, but I know many people in the medical profession are working hard to find one.  Seriously though, mom guilt is a very real thing today and I know most of my mom friends struggle with it.  But has it always been there?  Or are we, the newest generations of moms, bringing this on ourselves?

This weekend I had a conversation with my own mother about her experiences raising my brother and me.  She was a single mom in the late 70s, 80s and 90s, working full-time and managing the best she could.  The conversation started when I told her about how awful I was feeling for yelling at Mia for yelling at Steve and me because (wait for it)…her pony tail was messed up.  We were to blame and we were going to feel her wrath.  She hated us. We never did anything right.  She was never going to listen to us ever again.  It went on and on and on.  Eventually I snapped and yelled at her for being disrespectful.  And I really yelled.  You see, I have the patience of a saint.  Until I don’t.  And in this particular instance, I did not.  But back to my mom.  I am telling my mom this and telling her how bad I felt after the fact for making Mia feel bad and for not teaching her the correct way to deal with anger…my mom just looked at me and laughed.  She really laughed.  I think she might have even snorted.  When she composed herself, she asked me why I was beating myself up about this because, in her opinion, yelling at your kids is completely normal when they act out.  I tried to explain to her that times are different and that parents are now encouraged to NOT yell at their kids in an effort to teach them by example.  Her response?  “That’s stupid!”  (For those of you that know my mom, you know that she isn’t really one to mince words and she usually says it like she sees it.)

At first, I was annoyed that my mom wasn’t empathizing with me.  But I started to think about her role raising us.  My mom sacrificed a lot for us.  She and my dad split when my brother and I were very young and she worked full time and did her to best to provide anything we needed in a time when divorce and working moms weren’t “things”.  We spent a lot of time with my very Italian grandparents who resorted to the very old school Italian way of disciplining (yelling!).  But with them we were really loved …and really well fed.  When we were with my mom, she didn’t really stress about how we were getting to activities or if we did our homework.  In fact, she never really asked.  We just kind of figured it out.  She never felt compelled to entertain us or worried if we watched too much tv.  She just aimed to keep us alive.  My mom didn’t feel bad about her parenting mistakes.  When she yelled, she yelled.  We obviously deserved it (duh!) and she easily moved on.  Apparently we did too because I don’t remember any instances of her yelling.  She was a working woman and had bigger things to worry about.  She also didn’t feel bad about spending time with girlfriends or doing things she liked (like her bowling league!).  Doesn’t this sound amazing?

Maybe my mother is unique and other moms of her generation were suffering from mom guilt just like us moms today.  But I really don’t think so.  I don’t think previous generations worried so much about making sure that their kids were well-rounded and active or that they were screwing them up by yelling at them or punishing them.  They didn’t feel bad about taking time for themselves.  But they didn’t love any differently than we do today either.  Or any less.  So, what’s happened?  How have we gotten here?  How are we so inflicted with guilt that we can’t even enjoy well-deserved time away from our kids?  The truth is that the mom guilt is absolutely fruitless.  Feeling bad isn’t going to make us better mothers and it’s definitely not going to teach our daughters how they should live their lives if they choose to have kids.  So we need to overcome it.  NOW.  I don’t have an easy answer as to how we do that (YET) but I am working hard to find a cure.  In the meantime, do your best to talk yourself (and other moms) down from it.  Tell yourself how important it is for your children to see you NOT beating yourself all the time, so they don’t do the same, AND to see you prioritizing yourself, so they do too.  If you’re not even there yet, remind yourself…If you yell at your kids, they’ll live.  The likely won’t even remember it.  If you go on a trip, work or otherwise, they’ll live. They likely will have a good time without you.  If you don’t manage to get your kids to practice on time or miss a game, they’ll live.  There are only 1,456,768 more practices and games until graduation…

Until next time…

Hashtags and Follows and Likes, Oh No...

In an attempt to get my blog up and running, I have been trying to up my social media game and it is a lot harder than I thought.  First of all, I really suck at it.  I love posting the occasional picture, but it feels so daunting to try to post everyday with something just as good as, or better than, the day before.  Second, I feel incredibly vulnerable putting myself out there day after day.  It is scary knowing that people are judging me (and maybe even unfollowing me – so harsh!) based on a series of pictures.  Nothing more.  Just pictures.  But here’s the real issue…my objective in writing my blog is to help other moms stop putting pressure on themselves to be perfect.  I really want to be authentic in what I write and post, to let others know just how messy and crazy my life as a working mom of three is.  I don’t think it should all be neat and pretty because motherhood may be rewarding but it is not glamourous.  But I'm realizing SOCIAL MEDIA IS ALL ABOUT THE IDEAL!   I'm finding it really hard to stay authentic while keeping it interesting. And, even worse, for a bit I was totally getting caught up in what other accounts looked like...

For any of you that use Instagram, you are well aware of what some of the most successful (in terms of number of followers) accounts look like.  They are absolutely beautiful.  Literally.  They look like something out of a magazine.  Especially the mom accounts.  Beautiful parents in beautiful clothes with cute kids also beautifully dressed, all smiling at the camera in beautiful places.  Honestly, kudos to these parents because I don’t even look as good on my best day as some of these women do two days post-partum.  I am not criticizing the owners of these accounts AT ALL.  In fact, I envy them and what they can do aesthetically.  But, the rest of us shouldn’t misconstrue this for real life…which is really tough.  For example, when I look at an account named “keepin’ in real mama” (honestly just made that up – might steal it someday) and see a gorgeous woman standing on a beach on an island in Greece in a white bikini, flowing caftan, with long flowing hair, and a big straw hat, holding a toddler wearing a completely impractical but adorable beach outfit in one hand and a champagne flute in the other, I can feel “less than”.  I mean, she's keepin' it real, right???  It doesn’t help when I look up from my phone to see a house in complete shambles and realize that I am wearing the same worn out running pants I had on the day before and that my scalp hurts from being in a top knot all week.  And I don’t think that I am alone in this. 

Everyone wants to be that mom on the beach in Greece with well-coiffed kids who never seem to misbehave (at least once in a while), but that isn’t real.  It may be real for five, ten, or even fifteen minutes during a photo shoot, but it’s not long term real.  These accounts should be something enjoyable to admire, but we have to remind ourselves (until it sinks in) that they should not be the ideal that we feel we have to live up to.  What you see on an Instagram page or on Facebook are someone’s selected pictures (for full timers, they usually include makeup and hair artists and are shot by a photographer); they don’t tell it all.  Even for people like me that try to be authentic in their posts, the pictures only tell you so much.  They don’t tell you about my eight year old’s anxiety attack that led to an hour of comforting minutes before I caught her on camera smiling, or the constant fighting between my nine and six-year old that subsided for five minutes for a picture, or the argument that Steve and I had because he brought home the wrong kind of pizza right before we snapped a photo together (BTW, the stupidity of husband-wife fights becomes so much more obvious when you write them down on paper).  In fact, they don’t really tell you all that much, at all.  When you see these things, you have to remind yourself that they are just a few moments in someone’s day and they can be very staged. 

Some moms are fashionable and more put together.  Some moms are amazing decorators or bakers.  Some moms are super patient and great teachers.  Some moms have killer Instagram pages.  And some moms (ME!) are great moms despite not being particularly good at any of these things.  Although it’s nice, it really isn’t important if you have beautiful pictures to post.  What really matters is that you have happy kids who know what it feels to be loved and cared for.  That is literally all that matters.  All.  That.  Matters.  If you are getting that even a little bit right, it’s time to cut yourself some slack.  We all won’t be “Instagram-worthy” or “pinterest-worthy” moms.  I’m not most of the time (I have my moments)!  In fact, I am a prime candidate for that show Nailed It (if you haven’t watched it yet, I HIGHLY recommend it).  No matter what your Instagram looks like, I encourage all of you to share your REAL stories with other moms, for your sanity and theirs.  Don’t polish it up.  Don’t make it sound like you have it all together and that your kids are angels (unless you are the unicorn of moms and they really are).  In your real life, be the real-life mom.  I think it will be the only way we all start to cut ourselves a break! 

For all of you moms who also get Instagram-envy from time to time, I get it.  Just don't let it make you feel bad about being you.  If you had the same resources and artistic vision, you could snap a pic like that too.  And if you still feel bad, just think about this keepin' it real mama.  My real-life moment is me sitting on a beach in New Hampshire, surrounded by cheap beach toys, wearing a mom-suit and shorts, drinking a juice box, and looking at my kids in their Old Navy hand-me-down swimsuits pushing each other in the water.  Nailed It! 

Until next time…

Tic-Tac-No Thank You

Steve and I really try to avoid letting our kids use electronics when we go out to eat.  We aren’t perfect and there are times where you might see us at a restaurant with three kids gathered around an iPhone in a trance while we eat in peace (every parent needs a break now and then).  But, for the most part, we are old school and we make them talk to us and each other while they eat.  I guess you could say we enjoy a little torture.  In order to make this possible, I have to be prepared.  I always have crayons and paper on hand to color and (ugh) play A LOT of tic-tac-toe and hangman. Not exactly my idea of a fun meal out.  First of all, for a smart person I really suck at both of these games.  Second, do you know how hard it is to play hangman with a six-year-old who has just learned to read?  Check out Instagram for an example of our latest game (answer: I’m me or my are you you)… Who would not get hung?  Third, even if I did like these games, the novelty wears off after game 1,000,001.

I love being with my kids.  Hanging out with them just keeps getting better as they get older and more independent, BUT there are a lot of “mom things” that I don’t enjoy.  Tic-tac-toe and hangman are just a couple of examples… I feel guilty even writing this and of course I’m worried that people will judge me, but it’s time someone tells the truth.  Not everything about parenting is as fun and fulfilling as it looks on tv and in the movies (even the parents in diaper ads look psyched to be cleaning up poop – that’s just bull). Most of us go into parenthood thinking we are supposed to like everything about being a parent.  Even worse, we are made to believe that we should feel this profound sense of joy just by doing things that make our kids happy.  Am I the only one that does NOT feel this joy?  Of course I want to see my kids happy and I do many things (every day) to make that possible.  Isn’t that enough?  God, I hope so! 

There are so many things that I do love to do with the girls (hello dance parties!).  But they are also so different...from each other and from me.  Things that make them happy, are not necessarily the things that I like to do.  For example, Mia is a sports fanatic and super athletic.  She could spend an entire Saturday in the spring in our backyard kicking a soccer ball around or playing lacrosse.  My idea of a perfect spring Saturday includes a manicure and lunch on a patio somewhere (kid-free, maybe?).  Mia’s things and my things are so different.  When she asks me to play outside with her of course I do, but I’m so glad when Steve takes over.  I would much rather cheer them both on from the lounge chair.

My point is, we do so much to make our kids happy because we love them and because it's our job.  THAT IS WHAT MATTERS!  We do not have to beat ourselves up because we aren't enjoying every one of those things. Being a mom is hard and it's rewarding, but there are a lot of times when it is not fun.  My idea of fun is not playing soccer, losing at tic-tac-toe, or trying to explain to a six-year old that the answer in hangman can't just be a string of random words (I mean, come on Olivia).  That is totally ok.  As long as we keep showing up and doing their "things" with a smile on our face, we are totally amazing.  No profound sense of joy required.  So the next time you are doing something with your child that you dread and feeling bad that you aren't having fun, just remember this blog.  Do it because they love it, but know that it's ok if you don't!!!

Until next time (and probably 200,000 more games of hangman)...

Imposter!

Have you ever gone to work, looked around the room, and thought “how the hell do I fit in here?” I have.  In fact, I feel like an imposter most of the time.  Outside of my pulled together moments at work, my life is messy.  I struggle with kids and marriage and self-confidence.  I epically fail at all things domestic (check out the unicorn cake picture for proof).  My house is usually a mess and I am usually dressed like a homeless person who just hit up the garbage bin outside of Lululemon.  So, when I put on a suit and do my makeup and stand in front of a room of hundreds of people as an “expert” in something, I just feel like a fraud.  Don’t get me wrong.  I recognize that I am intelligent and obviously did something right to get there, but it just feels so…uncomfortable.  I mean, do they know that I have been improvising with a concoction of the hotel soap and hand cream because I forgot deodorant?  (I would be disappointed because I really thought that trick worked really well.)  Do they know that I just had to silence a random call from Alexa because my kids are likely fighting and needed me to break it up?  Do they know that I skipped the networking event the night before and went back to my hotel room to binge watch 90-Day Fiance and My 600 lb Life?  Do they do these things too??  I’m going to guess the deodorant thing is all me, but the other things??

I work in a field inundated with incredibly smart and driven people.  Don’t get me wrong, I really believe that I am both of those things, but I don’t feel very “professional” or like any sort of “expert”.  At my core, I’m a disorganized, trash tv loving, margarita drinking, mom, wife, and friend.  I don’t enjoy reading the Wall Street Journal and I probably don’t know as much as I should about what is going on in politics.  I would much rather talk to people about their kids or hobbies than anything going on in the business world.  And, although I want to succeed, I won’t do something I don’t enjoy just to get the next level.  I’m also probably a little too loud, bubbly, and over the top for the more reserved people.  In many ways, I’m different. Instead of appreciating my differences, I am always worried that people are going to figure all of this out.  Like one day they are going to realize that I’m this fraud and I’m going to get fired.  This is legitimately what goes through my head… 

I think that this is a phenomenon, for moms in particular.  I personally don’t know how people don’t feel weird having to switch back and forth between the parent role and the career role.  In most work spaces it is encouraged that you completely leave your personal life at home, right?  But how can you do that when that IS who you are?  It just feels so uncomfortable to me.  And I think, similar to what I talked about in ‘We are all the same’, when one person does this there is a ripple effect to all of the people around them.  You see your boss put up this façade, so you do, so the people that work for you do…and so on. 

The truth is I just want to be a more authentic person at work.  Does this mean that I am going stroll in to work drinking a margarita instead of my Dunkins?  Obviously, no.  I’m not looking to get fired.  But it does mean that I am not going to apologize for being myself.  I’m not going to tone it down just because I assume people won’t appreciate the real me (I once had someone tell me that I should try to deepen my voice on phone calls…like THAT is what is holding me back?!).  I will, however, always show up and give 110%.  And maybe I won’t end up being a CEO or the president of a Fortune 500 Company, but I’m ok with that (at least for now).  At least I will feel better about who I’m being at work.  On second thought, CEOs and presidents would probably have “people” that could go out and get them deodorant if they forgot it, so maybe I should reconsider…

Until next time…

We are all the same!

If you haven’t already, check out my last post.  I wrote about women need to be more authentic regarding the realities of being a mom.  Mom-ing is an amazing responsibility and it can be so rewarding, but it’s not easy and it is not always fun.  Just this week I contemplated running away to somewhere tropical and working at a tiki bar.  I think I would be really good at serving drinks in the sunshine for the rest of my life.  I obviously thought better of going (or maybe I just realized that my passport needed to be renewed and I was too lazy/tired to renew it – that’s all just semantics).  The point is, we all have low moments.  Really, really low moments.  My advice to you is NOT TO HIDE IN THOSE MOMENTS.  You don’t have to take to social media to tell the world your life sucks, but don’t struggle alone.  Reach out to your friends, especially the ones that are also moms.  Talk to them and let them lift you up.  These are the women that will listen to you, without judgement, and empathize.  They will support you and tell you stories about their crazy lives just to make you feel better.  They will help you manage your kids when you just need a minute.  They might even drag you out for margaritas and spend the night trying to make you laugh.  Let them.  Don’t avoid them because you don’t want them to know that you are less than perfect.  They want to know that.  They NEED to know that about you (after all they are struggling too). 

And when it’s their turn, be there for them.  No matter how crazy, awful, embarrassing, shocking the stories that they tell you are…do your best not to judge.  Remember, your kids might do the same things under the right circumstances and you are not a better parent, just a different one.  Tell them your craziest most embarrassing mom stories.  The ones that you buried deep, deep down and swore you would never admit to.  They need to hear those. They need to know that the things that they are going through are more normal than they feel.  They need to know that you “get” them because you have been there too. 

At the end of the day, most of our experiences are similar.  We all fight with our husbands because we feel like they don’t “get it”.  We all feel overwhelmed and disappointed at times. We all pee our pants (and don’t believe any woman with two or more kids that tells you otherwise).  We all wish we could lose a few pounds.  We all lose our patience and yell.  We all go a whole week without washing our hair (or maybe that’s just me…but I’ll own it).  We are all the same!

Let me just end this by saying, I empathize with you.  I get you.  I can genuinely say that I have probably been through the same stuff you are going through…even the weird sh@t.  So never feel alone because you’re not.  You got this!

Don’t forget to follow me @imbalanced1978.  My hope is to start a movement of moms who want to rebel and accept that life is completely and totally imbalanced.

Imbalanced

Real talk, I do not have things under control.  That’s probably not the best way to start but it’s the truth and my goal with this blog is to keep things 100% authentic.  You should also know that I am not an expert, unless you would like me to talk to you about accounting (I’m a certified public accountant...please do not ask me about taxes).  I am disorganized, a very poor planner, and my life is pure chaos most of the time.  I haven’t got anything figured out.  Not marriage, or kids, or work.  Nada.   Another blogger may not be so quick to admit this, as it somewhat diminishes the "expertise" status that I suppose a blogger should have.  But, I want to come clean with you right off the bat.  Trying to be and do all of these things is really, really hard.  At least for me. So why am I telling you that I’m a hot mess who knows nothing?  Because I want you to know that you are not alone if you are feeling like you’re barely getting by.  In fact, I will even go as far to say that despite everyone’s Instagram feeds and Facebook posts, most moms feel this way too.  Let me just say that again, so we are all clear.  No one has it all together.  Some of us just hide it a lot better than others.

I have been told that I come off as being put together.  I am pretty sure the people that have told me this were just trying to make me feel better, but let's say (for the sake of this blog) that it is true.  As I stated, I am not.  Most of my days are a haze of top knots, running pants, conference calls, doctor appointments, kids dance class, soccer games, blah, blah, blah.  There are so many days where Stephen and I are fighting or the kids are really difficult or I am really stressed about work.  There are days where there is more yelling and tears in my house (mostly mine) than laughter and smiles.  But, until recently, that isn't what I posted on social media and that isn't what I portrayed to the world.  Because I didn't want people to see my "cracks" (I'm so immature, but this word makes me giggle), I tried really hard to pretend that things were great.  And that is what we all do, isn't it?  We like people to think that our lives are picture perfect.  That what they see on Instagram is the reality.  So you might wonder what the big deal is.  Who wants to put the "ugly" on social media or give people some depressing response when asked "How are you?"?   No one.  And that isn't what I am suggesting you do.  But the problem with pretending that everything is great all the time is that you are setting the bar for anyone and everyone that looks up to you.  They think your façade is your reality and try to live up to it, only to feel like utter failures when they can't.  And then they do the same.  They set the bar for any one looking up to them.  And so on.  Think about it.  Every female friend that looks up to you, every woman that works for you, every little cousin or sister, YOUR DAUGHTERS.  They all look to you as a role model.  If you make things look perfect and balanced all the time, even if they are not, what are you really telling them?  How are you making them feel when they are struggling?

Here's the skinny.  Being a mom is hard.  Really, really hard.  And messy.  So very messy.  Being a working mom is pure chaos.  Pure. Chaos. But that is OK.  It's supposed to be hard and messy and chaotic.  We need to let other moms, especially new moms, know that is NORMAL if it's hard and messy and chaotic.  Do you think God intended for motherhood to be easy or pretty?  If he did, do you really think he would have designed childbirth the way he did?  Or that he would have installed milk filled sprinklers in our tata's?  I don't think so.  He made the whole thing pretty messy right from the get go.  I think he made his point.  So spread the word.  Let your walls down a little bit.  Be a little more honest about your life.  I am not saying you need to go and post an ugly pic of yourself or tell your boss all about your marital woes the next time she asks you how you're doing.  Just try to be authentic.  Don't BS the people in your life that matter.

Until next time!

Follow me on Instagram @Imbalanced1978