Imposter!

Have you ever gone to work, looked around the room, and thought “how the hell do I fit in here?” I have.  In fact, I feel like an imposter most of the time.  Outside of my pulled together moments at work, my life is messy.  I struggle with kids and marriage and self-confidence.  I epically fail at all things domestic (check out the unicorn cake picture for proof).  My house is usually a mess and I am usually dressed like a homeless person who just hit up the garbage bin outside of Lululemon.  So, when I put on a suit and do my makeup and stand in front of a room of hundreds of people as an “expert” in something, I just feel like a fraud.  Don’t get me wrong.  I recognize that I am intelligent and obviously did something right to get there, but it just feels so…uncomfortable.  I mean, do they know that I have been improvising with a concoction of the hotel soap and hand cream because I forgot deodorant?  (I would be disappointed because I really thought that trick worked really well.)  Do they know that I just had to silence a random call from Alexa because my kids are likely fighting and needed me to break it up?  Do they know that I skipped the networking event the night before and went back to my hotel room to binge watch 90-Day Fiance and My 600 lb Life?  Do they do these things too??  I’m going to guess the deodorant thing is all me, but the other things??

I work in a field inundated with incredibly smart and driven people.  Don’t get me wrong, I really believe that I am both of those things, but I don’t feel very “professional” or like any sort of “expert”.  At my core, I’m a disorganized, trash tv loving, margarita drinking, mom, wife, and friend.  I don’t enjoy reading the Wall Street Journal and I probably don’t know as much as I should about what is going on in politics.  I would much rather talk to people about their kids or hobbies than anything going on in the business world.  And, although I want to succeed, I won’t do something I don’t enjoy just to get the next level.  I’m also probably a little too loud, bubbly, and over the top for the more reserved people.  In many ways, I’m different. Instead of appreciating my differences, I am always worried that people are going to figure all of this out.  Like one day they are going to realize that I’m this fraud and I’m going to get fired.  This is legitimately what goes through my head… 

I think that this is a phenomenon, for moms in particular.  I personally don’t know how people don’t feel weird having to switch back and forth between the parent role and the career role.  In most work spaces it is encouraged that you completely leave your personal life at home, right?  But how can you do that when that IS who you are?  It just feels so uncomfortable to me.  And I think, similar to what I talked about in ‘We are all the same’, when one person does this there is a ripple effect to all of the people around them.  You see your boss put up this façade, so you do, so the people that work for you do…and so on. 

The truth is I just want to be a more authentic person at work.  Does this mean that I am going stroll in to work drinking a margarita instead of my Dunkins?  Obviously, no.  I’m not looking to get fired.  But it does mean that I am not going to apologize for being myself.  I’m not going to tone it down just because I assume people won’t appreciate the real me (I once had someone tell me that I should try to deepen my voice on phone calls…like THAT is what is holding me back?!).  I will, however, always show up and give 110%.  And maybe I won’t end up being a CEO or the president of a Fortune 500 Company, but I’m ok with that (at least for now).  At least I will feel better about who I’m being at work.  On second thought, CEOs and presidents would probably have “people” that could go out and get them deodorant if they forgot it, so maybe I should reconsider…

Until next time…