Tic-Tac-No Thank You

Steve and I really try to avoid letting our kids use electronics when we go out to eat.  We aren’t perfect and there are times where you might see us at a restaurant with three kids gathered around an iPhone in a trance while we eat in peace (every parent needs a break now and then).  But, for the most part, we are old school and we make them talk to us and each other while they eat.  I guess you could say we enjoy a little torture.  In order to make this possible, I have to be prepared.  I always have crayons and paper on hand to color and (ugh) play A LOT of tic-tac-toe and hangman. Not exactly my idea of a fun meal out.  First of all, for a smart person I really suck at both of these games.  Second, do you know how hard it is to play hangman with a six-year-old who has just learned to read?  Check out Instagram for an example of our latest game (answer: I’m me or my are you you)… Who would not get hung?  Third, even if I did like these games, the novelty wears off after game 1,000,001.

I love being with my kids.  Hanging out with them just keeps getting better as they get older and more independent, BUT there are a lot of “mom things” that I don’t enjoy.  Tic-tac-toe and hangman are just a couple of examples… I feel guilty even writing this and of course I’m worried that people will judge me, but it’s time someone tells the truth.  Not everything about parenting is as fun and fulfilling as it looks on tv and in the movies (even the parents in diaper ads look psyched to be cleaning up poop – that’s just bull). Most of us go into parenthood thinking we are supposed to like everything about being a parent.  Even worse, we are made to believe that we should feel this profound sense of joy just by doing things that make our kids happy.  Am I the only one that does NOT feel this joy?  Of course I want to see my kids happy and I do many things (every day) to make that possible.  Isn’t that enough?  God, I hope so! 

There are so many things that I do love to do with the girls (hello dance parties!).  But they are also so different...from each other and from me.  Things that make them happy, are not necessarily the things that I like to do.  For example, Mia is a sports fanatic and super athletic.  She could spend an entire Saturday in the spring in our backyard kicking a soccer ball around or playing lacrosse.  My idea of a perfect spring Saturday includes a manicure and lunch on a patio somewhere (kid-free, maybe?).  Mia’s things and my things are so different.  When she asks me to play outside with her of course I do, but I’m so glad when Steve takes over.  I would much rather cheer them both on from the lounge chair.

My point is, we do so much to make our kids happy because we love them and because it's our job.  THAT IS WHAT MATTERS!  We do not have to beat ourselves up because we aren't enjoying every one of those things. Being a mom is hard and it's rewarding, but there are a lot of times when it is not fun.  My idea of fun is not playing soccer, losing at tic-tac-toe, or trying to explain to a six-year old that the answer in hangman can't just be a string of random words (I mean, come on Olivia).  That is totally ok.  As long as we keep showing up and doing their "things" with a smile on our face, we are totally amazing.  No profound sense of joy required.  So the next time you are doing something with your child that you dread and feeling bad that you aren't having fun, just remember this blog.  Do it because they love it, but know that it's ok if you don't!!!

Until next time (and probably 200,000 more games of hangman)...

Imposter!

Have you ever gone to work, looked around the room, and thought “how the hell do I fit in here?” I have.  In fact, I feel like an imposter most of the time.  Outside of my pulled together moments at work, my life is messy.  I struggle with kids and marriage and self-confidence.  I epically fail at all things domestic (check out the unicorn cake picture for proof).  My house is usually a mess and I am usually dressed like a homeless person who just hit up the garbage bin outside of Lululemon.  So, when I put on a suit and do my makeup and stand in front of a room of hundreds of people as an “expert” in something, I just feel like a fraud.  Don’t get me wrong.  I recognize that I am intelligent and obviously did something right to get there, but it just feels so…uncomfortable.  I mean, do they know that I have been improvising with a concoction of the hotel soap and hand cream because I forgot deodorant?  (I would be disappointed because I really thought that trick worked really well.)  Do they know that I just had to silence a random call from Alexa because my kids are likely fighting and needed me to break it up?  Do they know that I skipped the networking event the night before and went back to my hotel room to binge watch 90-Day Fiance and My 600 lb Life?  Do they do these things too??  I’m going to guess the deodorant thing is all me, but the other things??

I work in a field inundated with incredibly smart and driven people.  Don’t get me wrong, I really believe that I am both of those things, but I don’t feel very “professional” or like any sort of “expert”.  At my core, I’m a disorganized, trash tv loving, margarita drinking, mom, wife, and friend.  I don’t enjoy reading the Wall Street Journal and I probably don’t know as much as I should about what is going on in politics.  I would much rather talk to people about their kids or hobbies than anything going on in the business world.  And, although I want to succeed, I won’t do something I don’t enjoy just to get the next level.  I’m also probably a little too loud, bubbly, and over the top for the more reserved people.  In many ways, I’m different. Instead of appreciating my differences, I am always worried that people are going to figure all of this out.  Like one day they are going to realize that I’m this fraud and I’m going to get fired.  This is legitimately what goes through my head… 

I think that this is a phenomenon, for moms in particular.  I personally don’t know how people don’t feel weird having to switch back and forth between the parent role and the career role.  In most work spaces it is encouraged that you completely leave your personal life at home, right?  But how can you do that when that IS who you are?  It just feels so uncomfortable to me.  And I think, similar to what I talked about in ‘We are all the same’, when one person does this there is a ripple effect to all of the people around them.  You see your boss put up this façade, so you do, so the people that work for you do…and so on. 

The truth is I just want to be a more authentic person at work.  Does this mean that I am going stroll in to work drinking a margarita instead of my Dunkins?  Obviously, no.  I’m not looking to get fired.  But it does mean that I am not going to apologize for being myself.  I’m not going to tone it down just because I assume people won’t appreciate the real me (I once had someone tell me that I should try to deepen my voice on phone calls…like THAT is what is holding me back?!).  I will, however, always show up and give 110%.  And maybe I won’t end up being a CEO or the president of a Fortune 500 Company, but I’m ok with that (at least for now).  At least I will feel better about who I’m being at work.  On second thought, CEOs and presidents would probably have “people” that could go out and get them deodorant if they forgot it, so maybe I should reconsider…

Until next time…

We are all the same!

If you haven’t already, check out my last post.  I wrote about women need to be more authentic regarding the realities of being a mom.  Mom-ing is an amazing responsibility and it can be so rewarding, but it’s not easy and it is not always fun.  Just this week I contemplated running away to somewhere tropical and working at a tiki bar.  I think I would be really good at serving drinks in the sunshine for the rest of my life.  I obviously thought better of going (or maybe I just realized that my passport needed to be renewed and I was too lazy/tired to renew it – that’s all just semantics).  The point is, we all have low moments.  Really, really low moments.  My advice to you is NOT TO HIDE IN THOSE MOMENTS.  You don’t have to take to social media to tell the world your life sucks, but don’t struggle alone.  Reach out to your friends, especially the ones that are also moms.  Talk to them and let them lift you up.  These are the women that will listen to you, without judgement, and empathize.  They will support you and tell you stories about their crazy lives just to make you feel better.  They will help you manage your kids when you just need a minute.  They might even drag you out for margaritas and spend the night trying to make you laugh.  Let them.  Don’t avoid them because you don’t want them to know that you are less than perfect.  They want to know that.  They NEED to know that about you (after all they are struggling too). 

And when it’s their turn, be there for them.  No matter how crazy, awful, embarrassing, shocking the stories that they tell you are…do your best not to judge.  Remember, your kids might do the same things under the right circumstances and you are not a better parent, just a different one.  Tell them your craziest most embarrassing mom stories.  The ones that you buried deep, deep down and swore you would never admit to.  They need to hear those. They need to know that the things that they are going through are more normal than they feel.  They need to know that you “get” them because you have been there too. 

At the end of the day, most of our experiences are similar.  We all fight with our husbands because we feel like they don’t “get it”.  We all feel overwhelmed and disappointed at times. We all pee our pants (and don’t believe any woman with two or more kids that tells you otherwise).  We all wish we could lose a few pounds.  We all lose our patience and yell.  We all go a whole week without washing our hair (or maybe that’s just me…but I’ll own it).  We are all the same!

Let me just end this by saying, I empathize with you.  I get you.  I can genuinely say that I have probably been through the same stuff you are going through…even the weird sh@t.  So never feel alone because you’re not.  You got this!

Don’t forget to follow me @imbalanced1978.  My hope is to start a movement of moms who want to rebel and accept that life is completely and totally imbalanced.

Imbalanced

Real talk, I do not have things under control.  That’s probably not the best way to start but it’s the truth and my goal with this blog is to keep things 100% authentic.  You should also know that I am not an expert, unless you would like me to talk to you about accounting (I’m a certified public accountant...please do not ask me about taxes).  I am disorganized, a very poor planner, and my life is pure chaos most of the time.  I haven’t got anything figured out.  Not marriage, or kids, or work.  Nada.   Another blogger may not be so quick to admit this, as it somewhat diminishes the "expertise" status that I suppose a blogger should have.  But, I want to come clean with you right off the bat.  Trying to be and do all of these things is really, really hard.  At least for me. So why am I telling you that I’m a hot mess who knows nothing?  Because I want you to know that you are not alone if you are feeling like you’re barely getting by.  In fact, I will even go as far to say that despite everyone’s Instagram feeds and Facebook posts, most moms feel this way too.  Let me just say that again, so we are all clear.  No one has it all together.  Some of us just hide it a lot better than others.

I have been told that I come off as being put together.  I am pretty sure the people that have told me this were just trying to make me feel better, but let's say (for the sake of this blog) that it is true.  As I stated, I am not.  Most of my days are a haze of top knots, running pants, conference calls, doctor appointments, kids dance class, soccer games, blah, blah, blah.  There are so many days where Stephen and I are fighting or the kids are really difficult or I am really stressed about work.  There are days where there is more yelling and tears in my house (mostly mine) than laughter and smiles.  But, until recently, that isn't what I posted on social media and that isn't what I portrayed to the world.  Because I didn't want people to see my "cracks" (I'm so immature, but this word makes me giggle), I tried really hard to pretend that things were great.  And that is what we all do, isn't it?  We like people to think that our lives are picture perfect.  That what they see on Instagram is the reality.  So you might wonder what the big deal is.  Who wants to put the "ugly" on social media or give people some depressing response when asked "How are you?"?   No one.  And that isn't what I am suggesting you do.  But the problem with pretending that everything is great all the time is that you are setting the bar for anyone and everyone that looks up to you.  They think your façade is your reality and try to live up to it, only to feel like utter failures when they can't.  And then they do the same.  They set the bar for any one looking up to them.  And so on.  Think about it.  Every female friend that looks up to you, every woman that works for you, every little cousin or sister, YOUR DAUGHTERS.  They all look to you as a role model.  If you make things look perfect and balanced all the time, even if they are not, what are you really telling them?  How are you making them feel when they are struggling?

Here's the skinny.  Being a mom is hard.  Really, really hard.  And messy.  So very messy.  Being a working mom is pure chaos.  Pure. Chaos. But that is OK.  It's supposed to be hard and messy and chaotic.  We need to let other moms, especially new moms, know that is NORMAL if it's hard and messy and chaotic.  Do you think God intended for motherhood to be easy or pretty?  If he did, do you really think he would have designed childbirth the way he did?  Or that he would have installed milk filled sprinklers in our tata's?  I don't think so.  He made the whole thing pretty messy right from the get go.  I think he made his point.  So spread the word.  Let your walls down a little bit.  Be a little more honest about your life.  I am not saying you need to go and post an ugly pic of yourself or tell your boss all about your marital woes the next time she asks you how you're doing.  Just try to be authentic.  Don't BS the people in your life that matter.

Until next time!

Follow me on Instagram @Imbalanced1978