It’s 8 am on a Wednesday morning and I am writing this on a
plane to Dallas. This trip marks my
sixth (seventh?) in three months. Luckily,
JetBlue has internet access because as I was taking off I was furiously texting
Steve instructions for the day (this one needs to go to the walker line – make sure
to write a note, this one has a doctor appointment, no walking Wednesday, blah
blah blah). I was also talking to the
woman next to me (CFO for Dunkin Donuts, so basically my hero) about some
struggles our 9 and 10 year old daughters are having and how hard it is to
leave them behind knowing this. All
around I am feeling pretty awful about leaving again. You see, I have this condition that causes me
to always feel like I am never doing enough for my children and too much for myself. Some of you might have it too…the medical
term for it is “mom guilt”. Sadly there is
no cure for it as this time, but I know many people in the medical profession
are working hard to find one. Seriously
though, mom guilt is a very real thing today and I know most of my mom friends
struggle with it. But has it always been
there? Or are we, the newest generations
of moms, bringing this on ourselves?
This weekend I had a conversation with my own mother about
her experiences raising my brother and me.
She was a single mom in the late 70s, 80s and 90s, working full-time and
managing the best she could. The
conversation started when I told her about how awful I was feeling for yelling
at Mia for yelling at Steve and me because (wait for it)…her pony tail was
messed up. We were to blame and we were
going to feel her wrath. She hated us.
We never did anything right. She was
never going to listen to us ever again.
It went on and on and on. Eventually
I snapped and yelled at her for being disrespectful. And I really yelled. You see, I have the patience of a saint. Until I don’t. And in this particular instance, I did
not. But back to my mom. I am telling my mom this and telling her how
bad I felt after the fact for making Mia feel bad and for not teaching her the
correct way to deal with anger…my mom just looked at me and laughed. She really laughed. I think she might have even snorted. When she composed herself, she asked me why I
was beating myself up about this because, in her opinion, yelling at your kids
is completely normal when they act out. I
tried to explain to her that times
are different and that parents are now encouraged to NOT yell at their kids in
an effort to teach them by example. Her
response? “That’s stupid!” (For those of you that know my mom, you know
that she isn’t really one to mince words and she usually says it like she sees it.)
At first, I was annoyed that my mom wasn’t empathizing with
me. But I started to think about her
role raising us. My mom sacrificed a lot
for us. She and my dad split when my
brother and I were very young and she worked full time and did her to best to
provide anything we needed in a time when divorce and working moms weren’t “things”. We spent a lot of time with my very Italian
grandparents who resorted to the very old school Italian way of disciplining
(yelling!). But with them we were
really loved …and really well fed. When
we were with my mom, she didn’t really stress about how we were getting to
activities or if we did our homework. In
fact, she never really asked. We just
kind of figured it out. She never felt
compelled to entertain us or worried if we watched too much tv. She just aimed to keep us alive. My mom didn’t feel bad about her parenting
mistakes. When she yelled, she yelled. We obviously deserved it (duh!) and she
easily moved on. Apparently we did too because
I don’t remember any instances of her yelling.
She was a working woman and had bigger things to worry about. She also didn’t feel bad about spending time
with girlfriends or doing things she liked (like her bowling league!). Doesn’t this sound amazing?
Maybe my mother is unique and other moms of her generation
were suffering from mom guilt just like us moms today. But I really don’t think so. I don’t think previous generations worried so
much about making sure that their kids were well-rounded and active or that
they were screwing them up by yelling at them or punishing them. They didn’t feel bad about taking time for
themselves. But they didn’t love any differently
than we do today either. Or any
less. So, what’s happened? How have we gotten here? How are we so inflicted with guilt that we
can’t even enjoy well-deserved time away from our kids? The truth is that the mom guilt is absolutely
fruitless. Feeling bad isn’t going to
make us better mothers and it’s definitely not going to teach our daughters how
they should live their lives if they choose to have kids. So we need
to overcome it. NOW. I don’t have an easy answer as to how we do
that (YET) but I am working hard to find a cure. In the meantime, do your best to talk
yourself (and other moms) down from it. Tell
yourself how important it is for your children to see you NOT beating yourself
all the time, so they don’t do the same, AND to see you prioritizing yourself,
so they do too. If you’re not even there
yet, remind yourself…If you yell at your kids, they’ll live. The likely won’t even remember it. If you go on a trip, work or otherwise, they’ll
live. They likely will have a good time without you. If you don’t manage to get your kids to
practice on time or miss a game, they’ll live.
There are only 1,456,768 more practices and games until graduation…
Until next time…
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