So fitting...

If you were to ask me how my life has changed in the past couple of years since I had Mia, I could tell you all about it.  I am a mom now.  I have a daughter (well, two).  I don’t have the freedom that I used to have, but it’s worth it.  My life is full of routines and schedules.  There were so many external changes, I could talk about them for hours.  But, if you were to ask me how I have changed in the past couple of years since I had Mia, I couldn’t verbalize it for you.  What I could tell you is that I know I have changed and that it happened in the single instant when Mia was born.  The moment that she was born was like the moment the Grinch’s heart grew.  It was that instantaneous and dramatic and amazing.  But, the magnitude of this change combined with the speed at which it occurred on top of the chaos that entered my life immediately following it, made it/make it really difficult to wrap my head around.  I am a different person in ways I don’t even understand yet.  After you have a baby there are so many obvious physical changes, but what about those other, more subtle changes?  I mean I knew that post-baby I would have to have to work hard to fit back in to my jeans, but I never expected that I would have to work so hard to fit back in to my life!

From the moment you find out you are having a baby, you anticipate great change.  You will no longer just be looking out for yourself.  You will actually be responsible for another little person and you have to make sure that he or she eats, sleeps, and stays clean, healthy, and happy.  I knew a baby meant a lot less nights out on the town with friends and a lot more sleepless nights at home.  I expected to be on a tighter budget and to spend less quality time with Steve.  I even looked forward to spending weekends at children’s museums instead of shopping with friends and lounging on the couch watching Cinderella instead of Golden Girls marathons (although I do miss my GG from time to time).  But I just wasn’t prepared for the ways that I would change as a person.  I grew up.  My friendships changed.  My values changed.  My focus changed.  

  

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with has been the changing friendships.  I just generally feel very disconnected from the people in my life that I used to feel very close to.  I don’t have the same things to talk about (although I was always known for a good poop-talk, so my conversations may not be as different as I would like to think), I don’t have as many hobbies as I used to (actually, I am down to about…1, and no one wants to talk about running!) so I feel pretty boring, and I just don’t have as much time to spend bonding with my friends so space and time definitely get in the way.  The truth is, I don’t know what I have to offer all of my friends other than a good conversation about the sleep habits of a toddler and a funny story about how Sophia said…you get the point.  I am a mom.  That is who I am now.  And I haven’t figured out how to be both a mom and my former self.

After you have a baby, people prepare you for the obvious (sleepless nights, poopy diapers, spit-up).  But, I wish I was a little more prepared for the things that they don’t mention.  You change.  And it’s confusing.  And you struggle a lot with figuring out who you are all over again.  And your friendships change.  Sometimes temporarily.  Sometimes permanently.  And you look at the world differently.  And you probably should never, EVER wear a half-shirt ever again (had to throw it in there).  So, for now I am just hanging in there and focusing on the things I can change…like fitting back in to my jeans for starters.

Until next time…