Middle of the night fight

So, it’s about midnight now and I was lounging on the couch with Steve (who is right now sound asleep) and felt this compulsion to get up and write this blog, which I have been thinking about for a few days.  Having just survived a few rough nights in this house (i.e., a couple of kids that have been waking up for various reasons), I just wanted to briefly discuss the “middle of the night fight”.    I believe that this is a phenomenon that most couples can relate to, with or without kids.  However, I think that the addition of kids alters the dynamic of the fight quite a bit.  Prior to kids, these arguments are probably the result of the preceding cocktails consumed and usually do not follow sleep of any kind.  And it is these two points that make the two situations incomparable.  The fight that I am referring to is the argument between two individuals who have been awoken out of a sound sleep in the dead-middle of the night and who are unable to return to sleep (at least one of them anyway) at their own will.  This fight is totally irrational, given the states of minds of the individuals involved, and usually involves a lot of senseless and sarcastic insults and accusations.  However, what makes this fight unusual is what happens the next morning…

Let me provide you a hypothetical example, just so you can wrap your head around this.  It is approximately 2 o’clock in the morning.  You and your significant other have been in bed/asleep since approximately 11 o’clock, following a solid 14 hours of kids, work, dinner, kids, and exercise (in no particular order).  You are dreaming of being on a beach with a margarita and your husband (or maybe someone else, but that would be another blog altogether) when all of a sudden you hear the noise that every parent dreads.  This noise can be a variety of things (baby screaming, toddler yelling, baby screaming and toddler yelling), so for this “hypothetical” example let’s say it is the sweet sounds of a toddler yelling. You wait it out for a while, hoping that this yelling stops and that the yeller falls back to sleep.  But you know you can’t wait too long because you can’t risk one kid waking up the other…it’s game over.  So, you look over at your partner, your other half, the one who contributed in the making of this wonderful little creature.  You are hoping that, given the fact that you got up the night before (and most likely the one before that and the one before that…), he will volunteer to get up and let you sleep.  But, alas, he is snoring and hasn’t even heard the yelling.  So, you get up and try to resolve the situation on your own.  Fast forward to 4 o’clock in the morning.  You are still awake with this toddler and it appears that he/she just wants to chat and watch episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You are exhausted and out of ideas.  You also know that you have to get up for work the next morning and you’re dreading that alarm clock.  It is usually in that moment that you hear it, the noise that all wives dread…Your husband. Still. Snoring.  It is in that moment that you realize that he is at fault for everything that has ever gone wrong in your life.  It is in that moment that you snap and all ability to be and feel rational is gone.

At my house (this is no longer a hypothetical), this is about the time that I yell at Steve for not waking up.  I usually go on a tirade about how ridiculous it is that he never wakes up when the girls make noise in the middle of the night.  Sometimes, I go on about how my job is just as important as his job and how I wish he would respect the fact that I have to work too.  Other times, I just get emotional and cry about how I want a partner in this parenting thing and not someone who will sleep through the crying.  Most of the time Steve has absolutely no idea what is going on, given the fact he has just been woken up, but once in a while he will get angry too and we argue.  WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

For Steve and me, this always ends the same way.  We fight, the fight ends, one or both of us get the kid(s) back to sleep, we get back to bed ourselves, and we wake up the next morning and ACT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.  This is the phenomenon of the middle of the night fight.  We never talk about it and we never hold grudges about it.  To be honest, I am not even sure that we remember it half of the time.  But, unlike most of our arguments (we are both grudge-holders), we just let it go.  No judgment.

Some of you might think this sounds a little unhealthy.  To each his own, I guess.  I personally think that this sounds like survival.  Hell, to me this is survival.  As a parent, I give so much to my children and I am not referring to material things.  I give my love, my mental and physical energy, my time, my patience, and (against my will) my sleep.  Sometimes you need to release the frustration that comes from all of this giving up.  For me those times usually come in the middle of the night when I am exhausted and frustrated and super, SUPER sick of mickey mouse.  

So my advice to all of you parents out there that have or will experience a middle of the night fight is just try to start the next morning with a clean slate.  Give yourselves a break!  To those of you that do not experience these fights, please send me your name and number because my kids are coming to stay with you and your extremely positive (and, let's face it, a little annoying) dipositionJ

Until next time…